On my enemies list: Tom Potter, mayor of Portland, OR

The accusation: 1st degree murder of the first person reflexive.

The accused: Mayor Tom Potter, Portland, OR.

The evidence:

In the spirit of honoring the many years of hard work that have gone into this conversation by so many in our community, I am asking Dr. Pamplin to meet with Mayor Katz and myself next week to explore how we can overcome the obstacles that stand in the way of his gift to the people of Portland.

Argh! How many times do I have to say it?? "Myself" is not a fancy or more educated version of "I" or "me." Goddamit. Yeah, I know: if you say "me," people will think you are sloppy and uneducated. To this I ask: why do you care so much about impressing the stupid?

Putin says whaaaaaa?

Vladimir Putin, in a press conference in Portugal, criticized the West for being just as repressive as Russia. Ok, fair enough--more than likely many Western countries have assorted mechanisms for repression buried deep within their bureaucratic structures, and he's probably right that the media tends to gloss over such concerns. However, it was his way of expressing this thought that was slightly, um, strange:

"Let's not talk about having immaculate, white fluffy partners on one side, and on the other a monster who has just come out of a forest with claws and corns growing instead of legs."

Er...what? Huh? Corns growing instead of legs? WTF?

Even the strippers hate A-Rod...

The NY Post is running an explosive, "exclusive" (perhaps the most overused word in journalism) story on how Alex Rodriguez of the Yankees has been "squiring" (what is this, a Jane Austen novel) a "buxom, blond hottie" around--this while married to the mother of his child. Class-ay. But wedged into the latest story was this amusing bit:

On Tuesday, hours after Rodriguez first was asked about his jaunt two days earlier with the blonde at the Toronto strip club the Brass Rail, he returned to the same joint, a dancer there said.

The dancer, Bobbi, said she does not know if Rodriguez was alone Tuesday.

"I used to dance with A-Rod all the time. He's all right," said Bobbi. "But he makes way too much money."

Ha ha, ZING! She went on to say that his ability to hit to the opposite field on a hit and run play has really declined, and that he doesn't seem to pick up the rotation on a two-seam fastball like he once did.

I see from your bumper sticker that you are an idiot.

Driving home at lunch today I was behind a pickup truck with a strange bumper sticker. It read: "Creationists: We're Taking Dinosaurs Back!" Now, one could read that two ways, the first being that it was a statement addressed to creationists. However, the other bumper sticker on the car read "Evolution is Science Fiction," so I think we can assume that the owner was in fact speaking as a creationist. Ok, fine...but what exactly does that even mean? Taking it back from where? From who? Oh, yeah, and the accompanying graphic, as best I could discern, was of a dinosaur lying on its back, obviously dead, with a little mouse scurrying around it. (The dinosaur was a T-Rex, and the mouse was about 1/8 its size, which means that evidently this particular creationist has dreams of a recently-prehistoric past populated by oversized rodents.) Very weird.

Grammar frustration of the day

I know everyone thinks the life of, say, a trauma surgeon is hard, but it isn't. Well, it is, but it's not nearly as hard as it is to be an English major trapped in a world that, increasingly, thinks that grammar is just a stuffy old system of pointless rules and distracting regulations. Here's the thing that is annoying me today: when people hear someone say "he could have" or "he could've" and then write it down as "he could of." Yo, idiots. "Could've" is not short for "could of"--it is short for "could have." I know, I know, this really isn't that big a deal, and in the grand scheme of things is actually pretty pointless, but it brings up a larger complaint, which is that people don't even stop to think about what it is that they are saying. "Could of" literally makes no sense, yet people continue to write it as such. So, please, all of you, stop doing this.

Fake rack = super healthy

The Republican party, not content with the current loser's bag of candidates, has flung its collective net far and wide, and has hauled in...Oklahoma Senator Tom Coburn, who is now contemplating a run for the White House. Coburn, a doctor, is one of the most conservative members of the Senate, and, being from Oklahoma, is also one of the most stupid. (Hey, hey, Oklahoma...wish I could say I was kidding, but I'm not. You all let freaking Pat Robertson win the 1988 GOP primary. Absurd.) Just for kicks, here are two of my all-time favorite Tom-Coburn-is-a-world-class-moron moments:

Coburn, on rampant teen lesbianism:

“Lesbianism is so rampant in some of the schools in Southeast Oklahoma that they’ll only let one girl go to the bathroom. Now think about it.”

Coburn, on breast implants:

"And I thought I would just share with you what science says today about silicone breast implants. If you have them, you're healthier than if you don't. That is what the ultimate science shows. . . . In fact, there's no science that shows that silicone breast implants are detrimental and, in fact, they make you healthier."

Oh hai u look l1k3 a t00lz!111!1 lolkthxbye

Imagine the scenario. You're at the beach, studlyily (wtf?) wearing no shirt and some rawkin' board shorts, chillin' with your bud, trying to hook up with some fine betties. You pay little attention to the guy with the high-powered zoom lens sitting a few hundred feet away. Hey, he's just trying to score some hawt photos, whatevs. But then you stagger into work the next morning, and see the following photo splashed across the front page. D'oh! The essential idiot-ness of your existence, captured for all of posterity.

By the power of (naughty) Greyskull!

Remember when life was innocent? When the internets were filled with the laughter of people discovering, for the first time, the unbridled hilarity of a classic movie reimagined as a Brokeback Mountain-style tale of forbidden romance? Yeah, me too. Just when I thought I had tired of those clips, along comes a dramatic reinterpretation of a childhood classic. Watch. Enjoy. Remember.

Who We Love/ Who We Hate

This will be a new feature on the blog, "Who We Love/Who We Hate." It's exactly what it sounds like--each time we run this feature, we'll list one person in the world that we love, and then one person that we absolutely hate. Simple, no? We'll try to bring some balance to it, so that, say, Condi Rice will not be paired with, oh, Maria Sharapova. People who are loved by this blog generate immense feelings of goodwill and respect, whereas those who are hated generate feelings of loathing and abhorrence. So, without furthur ado...

1. WE LOVE....Bill Nighy!


Easily the coolest actor around today, he can save virtually any movie. He was the only redeeming part of "Hitchhikers' Guide," "Love Actually," and the way too long and pointlessly complicated sequel(s) to "Pirates of the Caribbean." And those movies all sucked! When he's in a movie more deserving of his talents, like "Shawn of the Dead," even in a limited rule, he takes over. He rules, we love him.

Ok, very good. Enough said about good Mr. Nighy. Moving on...

2. WE HATE...Dane Cook!


What a brilliant first choice for the category of most hated. Obviously this is hardly an original pick, but you can't go wrong pouring haterade all over Mr. Cook. He's a standup comic who is simply...not funny. You know "that guy" you knew in college who thought that if he told a joke that wasn't funny it would magically become funny if he simply shouted it? Well, that's Dane Cook. Also, he is universally loved among the Abercrombie-wearing, hat-tilted-just-so frat bro set, which by itself makes him a top enemy. So, well done, Mr. Cook.

(And, by the way, check the douchetastic pose he strikes above. If that isn't enough to inspire hate all on its own, I don't know what is.)

Yet more Cheney/hooker rumors

I imagine my educated readers are familiar with the sordid tale of the "DC Madam," the alleged madam who kept a stable of high-price "escorts" who would render services unto various DC elite. She handed over a phone list of her long-time customers to ABC News not too long ago, and various stories came out that among her clients was a "former CEO." Not too many people thought much of this (I mean, what, who wants to picture someone like Lee Iacoca patronizing hookers??) until someone put two and two together and realized that, hey, Dick Cheney is in fact a "former CEO." Hence the rumors.

Well, today Roll Call magazine issued one of the strangest-worded (is that right?) statements on the issue, saying, (and this is a direct quote):

Vice President Cheney isn’t not on the phone records of the alleged D.C. Madam, who is accused of running a high-price call-girl ring in Washington, the accused madam’s lawyer said on Tuesday.

"Isn't not?" Ok, pretending for a moment that this wasn't a careless typo by "Emily Hell," Roll Call's writer (that name sounds totally made up, no?), does this not promise to be the least appetizing DC sex scandal ever? Dick Cheney? And hookers? Ugggggggh. (Full body shiver.)

Jackpot!

Last night the Portland Trailblazers came away with the top pick in the NBA draft lottery, despite having only a 5.3% chance to have their name picked last by the commissioner. What this means is that they now have the opportunity to draft Greg Oden, a 45 year old currently pretending to be 19. Holy crap! How excited are Portlanders by this news? Let me put it this way: imagine that there had been people blogging at the time that Moses led his people out of the desert and into the promised land. Ok, those people would probably have been LESS excited than Portland bloggers today.

Ah, the Duke-ster

I'm sure everyone remembers Randy "Duke" Cunningham, the fantastically corrupt member of Congress from the San Diego area. A new book, The Wrong Stuff: The Extraordinary Saga of Randy “Duke” Cunningham, the Most Corrupt Congressman Ever Caught spells out in minute detail the full extent of Duke's corruption. But where the San Diego Tribune pulled a few punches in their reporting (leaving out salacious details, for example), the book promises to do no such thing.

What amazes me is how utterly classless Duke was. When I worked for a member of the California State Assembly, I happend to receive some correspondence between a constituent and Duke himself. What I saw amazed me--atrocious spelling, punctuation, grammar, of course, but also a complete disregard for the basic conventions of the written word, a shocking use of fairly coarse language, and so on. Reading a few excerpts from the book (linked by Josh Marshall at TMP Muckraker), I guess I shouldn't be too surprised.

One of these parties started at the Capital Grille with Cunningham ordering his usual filet mignon -- very well done -- with iceberg lettuce salad and White Oak. Wilkes used the dinner to update Cunningham on the appropriations he wanted. Cunningham then took the whole group back to the boat where they drank more wine, sitting on white leather sofas while Cunningham told more war stories. Cunningham then took his clothes off and invited all to join him in the polluted hot tub that was hidden from the neighbors by a white tarp. There were no takers.

Filet mignon, very well done?? What a savage! White leather couches? Ugh. And, of course, he ran water directly from the Potomoc into his yacht's hot tub. Goddam.

Things that make me go tee hee

Does it make me a seventh grader that I really wanted to laugh out loud in the meeting today when the I.T. person said, "but it is very important that you mount the hard drive." Tee hee. She said "mount."

It's cute when they pretend Bush cares

It was big news over the weekend when Arlen Specter came out and said that Alberto Gonzales would probably step down before being faced with the indignity of a no-confidence vote in the Senate. Here's what he said:

Historically, that is something which Attorney General Gonzales would like to avoid. I think that if and when he sees that coming, he would prefer to avoid that kind of a historical black mark.

Specter's mistake, obviously, is thinking that he is working with a White House that is in any way similar to administrations of the past. Previous administrations--from Clinton to Nixon--would have shuddered at the thought of one of their cabinet officials (particularly the nation's chief law-enforcement officer) receiving a vote of no-confidence from the Senate.

The Bush administration, on the other hand, could not care less. Look at everything they have done without Senate approval or confidence. Democrats (and the few Republicans who care) need to remember, when dealing with Bush, that they are working with someone who has the mentality of a four year old. Tell Bush not to touch the hot plate, and he'll touch the hot plate. Tell him he can't have any more tater tots, and he'll stomp and scream until he gets more tater tots. It's pathetic, but that's where we stand. Gonzales isn't going anywhere.

You know it's bad when...

Last night, at about 3am, I came to a conclusion: I think it's safe to say that you can be certain that your obsession with pop-culture has gotten a bit out of hand when you have a dream in which you are doing nothing but checking out Eric Roberts' IMDB entry.

Stupidest rationale for a pro-war position

People in favor of the Iraq war/occupation have advanced a lot of reasons for why (a) we invaded, and (b) we need to stay. You know, WMD, democracy, terrorism, human rights, etc. etc. etc. But just when you think you've heard them all, along comes David Ignatius of the Washington Post to drop an absolute turkey of a statement in our collective lap:

This U.S. training mission in Iraq was the heart of the Baker-Hamilton report's recommendation last December. And it still seems to me the right way forward. American troops cannot stop a civil war in Iraq, but they can teach soldiers how to fix drive shafts, maintain engines and order spare parts. That's a basic mission that Congress should reaffirm, even as it questions the surge of more U.S. troops into Baghdad.

Okaaaaaay. Got that? Congress should question the surge of troops into Baghdad (and with it the entire basis for the war), but we need to keep the troops there so that we can serve as the Iraqi equivalent of Mr. Goodwrench, helping those loveable Iraqi soldiers how to....drum roll....battle terror? No. Um, find WMD? Naw. What, then? Yeah, "fix driveshafts." That's got to be an incredible consolation to some family from Iowa whose first-born son was killed on the streets of Baghdad. "Take comfort, Mr. and Mrs. Wilson, that your son Todd died doing what he loved doing--providing auto repair lessons to a company of Iraqi army recruits." Unreal.

New Rule for the Workplace

You know how embassies are considered to be the sovereign territory of the country represented by them? In other words, the US embassy in Paris is considered to be US soil, even though it's in the middle of France. Well, here's my new request: we need to treat the workplace restroom as though it is non-work territory. Here's the deal: when I'm at work, and I am walking to the restroom, or I'm in the restroom, I do not want anyone from the office to acknowledge me in any way whatsoever. Is that so hard to understand? Sure, if we are walking towards the same restroom, we can exchange that we-are-both-going-to-the-bathroom glance, but that's where it ends. And I REALLY do not want to have conversations with you INSIDE the restroom. Come on, people. If I'm standing at the urinal and you are washing your hands at the sink, don't ask me a question. That's just bizarre. K, thx.

Anne Heche's descent into madness is complete

Everyone remembers Anne Heche, right? Ellen's erstwhile companion, who was later found wandering in the desert in a not-at-all-related-to-drugs stupor, talking nonsense about God and aliens and whatnot?

Well, now she's split up with her husband, and I was delighted to see that he was claiming that her "bizarre and delusional behavior" was reason for the judge to award him full custody of their son. Oh snap, I thought, this is gonna be good. Full of stories of full-time crazy Anne Heche doing god knows what. Well, turns out, maybe not so much.

In the papers, Laffoon claims that Anne once didn't put Homer in a car seat, she often cusses in front of the child, and packed school lunches that Homer "did not like."

Packing lunches he doesn't like? OH NO SHE DI'INT!!!!!

God bless Christopher Hitchens

"I was glad to see he skipped the rapture, and was found on the floor of his office."

Oh, SNAP! Christopher Hitchens straps on his dancing shoes and does a goddam jig on the freshly dug grave of Jerry Falwell, and it is a wonder to behold. Frankly, my only question is how Anderson Cooper kept from shouting "Oh, BURN!!!" every ten seconds.

The one where I explain what Daffy Duck is doing...

One has to applaud the sheer bravado of the White House for appointing blatantly unqualified people to positions of actual importance. You know, like George W. Bush. ZING! No, today's story is about Dr. Eric J. Kerouack, who was appointed Deputy Assistant Secretary for Population Affairs at the Department of Health and Human Services. The title is a mouthful, but it's important: he was head of the federal agency responsible for family planning. Now, he resigned some time ago, for classically boring reasons like lying on his resume, defrauding Medicare, etc. etc. Dullllllll! However, what caught our eye in RawStory.com's expose was this:

Though he has no formal research credentials, Dr. Keroack has lectured widely from a PowerPoint presentation that uses Loony Tunes characters to illustrate his theory that premarital sex damages the female brain, making non-abstinent women incapable of forming emotional bonds.

Huh? Looney Tunes? I only hope it involved the one where Bugs Bunny dressed up as a female bunny to trick Elmer Fudd, those were always the best. Though god only knows what it had to do with the effects of pre-marital sex on the female brain.