Presenting the ugliest pair of men's pants created since 1978

J.Crew, you are officially on notice. Now, I've been tempted to poke great fun at your catalogs and their incessant "look how fun it is to summer at the Cape!" motifs, or your insistence on using the singular "pant" all the time, or your continuing belief that Americans are desperate to own khakis emblazoned with small lobsters or sailboats or other relics of the aforementioned summering at the Cape. But, I have held my tongue out of, who knows, perhaps a deep-seated nostalgia for those days in college when I'd get a new article of clothing from J. Crew and would feel the momentary satisfaction of having my fashion sense rise from 10 years out of date to a mere 5 years out of date.

However, I happened to glance at your "pant" sale today, and can keep my silence no longer. You have forced me to stand, eyeball to eyeball, with the ugliest pair of men's pants I have ever seen outside the Deseret Industries thrift store in Salt Lake City where I used to purchase my Halloween costumes. And those were always ironic. So far as I can gather, not a stitch of irony went into the creation of these pants. Behold, America!



Classic fit Italian Paisley Cord Pant

Introducing a perfect cocktail pant, with a traditional paisley on cotton corduroy imported from one of Italy's finest print houses.

"Perfect cocktail pant"? The hell? Just what kind of crazy cocktail parties are you attending, J.Crew copywriter, where such an egregious violation of everything we hold dear as a nation is not only tolerated but encouraged? Good lord. And, it must be noted, this spectacular pair of pants will set you back a mere $99.99. Egads.