Thursday, June 19, 2008

John Hinckley's love life proves discouraging for single men everywhere

Look, single men have it rough enough as it is. Their every waking moment, for the most part, is dedicated to attracting a partner. They groom themselves obsessively, they work themselves into a righteous lather trying to decipher coded messages in emails, IMs, phone calls, etc., and they worry themselves stupid wondering when the next phone call will arrive.

With that in mind, imagine how damaging it must be to the psyches of single males everywhere to learn that certified crazy and would-be presidential assassin John Hinckley has not three, not four, but FIVE girlfriends with whom he is intimate. Seriously, imagine that you're a decent, well-mannered, not-crazy, never-incarcerated-for-shooting-Reagan single guy, and you read something like this:

An affidavit filed by federal officials trying to restrict Hinckley's movements claim the would-be assassin has at least three girlfriends and possibly as many as five.
Oh, ouch. That would sting. But then read on in the story, and you come to something fairly disturbing:
The feds claim that Hinckley, who is required by the hospital to keep a log about his relationships with women, is deceptive. Although he told the staff he stopped seeing Miss M, he later confided that he has "fondling privileges" with her.
Oh come on, wouldn't that just be a killer? (Leaving aside for a moment the details of exactly how such privileges are negotiated.) Now, granted, some of these women may not exactly be catches in their own right. Of one, for instance, we learn this:
Hinckley, now 53, has also rekindled a relationship with Leslie deVeau, a former girlfriend who was incarcerated at St. Elizabeths after it was determined she was insane when she shot and killed her 10-year-old daughter. DeVeau was released from St. Elizabeths after eight years of treatment.
Oh hai. And? Sex-ay! Imagine those two out on a date, wouldn't that just be a walk in the park.

Here's hoping that the feds put the kibosh on Hinckley's romantic yearnings, if for no other reason than to maintain the sanity of single men everywhere.

Hinckley: certified playa